if it quirks..

then, I have done my job

Tag: essay

Push and pull

I was a ballerina as a child.

Straight back, shoulders rolled back, long limbs, lengthened neck, pointed toes.

Precision and accuracy are key. Timing is key. Self-reliance is key.

Grace, always grace. If you lose your shoe, the show goes on. You keep dancing and make it look flawless. Finish to the end.

I cried backstage once because it wasn’t a perfect show. My shoe came off, and I dragged it helplessly around the stage trying in vain to make everything look flawless.

I eventually kicked the little slipper away down stage. Apparently, this made the audience laugh and giggle. My mother said it was amusing and endearing to the audience. I just thought it was embarrassing. Patty the dance teacher told me I did a good job, but I knew she was supposed to say that to make me feel better.

But I excelled at ballet after that because I learned to rely on myself for the perfect dance routine.

***

I never partner danced until I was an adult.

I was stiff and unyielding as I had been taught by ballet. It’s hard to unlearn something that has been ground into you over the span of 10 years.

I was comfortable relying on myself to make the dance moves happen, anticipate the beat and memorize the next step.

But partner dancing is completely different. I was supposed to follow the lead of someone. I was supposed to feel the intuition of my partner and let him give me subtle cues of where to go next.

This I couldn’t do. Push and pull was foreign to me. Lessons were difficult because my partners were also learning to be confident in leading.

Always the same comment: “You’re so stiff. Loosen up.”

But I always felt my partners were going to let me whirl away on the dance floor. Their grip was not firm.

And firmness is important in partner dancing. If she can’t trust your judgment on the floor, the lady will fly away.

Push and pull.

Firm and flowing

Truth and trust

He and me

These are fundamental in a symbiotic relationship, which is what the dance meant. Dancing with someone is a meeting of wills. Willing the best in the other and reacting to a reaction. It’s physics in the best kind of way.

I had to unlearn the harsh structure of the prima ballerina.

The unknown in a dance is the part that makes you better.

It made me free.

It made me ok with ebbing and flowing.

Push and pull

chapel_ceiling

This is a place of peace.

A cathedral many would officially call it.

But when I stepped inside, I wasn’t here.

I was in another place, maybe another dimension.

Because here I knew that I was in the presence of something greater.

Something larger

Something extraordinary

Something enchanting

Something incomprehensible

Something ancient

But most importantly, something good.

I’m not talking about good like you describe a child that behaves.

I mean goodness.

Something that we can all agree is profound.

But that was a portal.

And I want nothing more than to cross through it.

//

There are times I remember walking through this place

And I can picture her sitting quiet, alone, eyes shut

She was beyond, wandering in solitude.

And she opened her lips and sang. She sang to God.

She sang without looking around for anyone to hear.

She sang without a pulpit. She just sang.

And that struck me deeply.

This one had gotten it right.

She knew who she was.

And how I wanted to be on the other side.

Orange is the color of love 2

Orange days don’t exist, but for a moment in our brisk time. A moment, seconds, minutes, eons, weeks; nobody knows and nobody counts; we’re too enraptured when it happens. You know what they are – not when skies are burning red with flames against them. They happen when skies are burning orange, yellow, red, peach, rose, sherbet, blue, purple, coral – as the sun sinks like an anchor into wherever the sun goes to bed. Must be a nice place. That’s an orange day, vibrant yet subdued, and it is an eternity.

And we look upon it like an everlasting candied Crush in hand, slurping it down, engulfing the taste buds, washing over the throat, engorging the lining of our stomach and intestines with true fizzing and bubbles that pop back up over the tongue and through the teeth.

Yes, orange is the color of love. Can’t you remember eating spaghetti-os shamelessly smearing the yellow-orange canned goodness all over your chin? That was good stuff – simple – but g.o.o.d. And there was nothing complicated or overdone about it.

Don’t you remember watching a goldfish swim and wondering if it really is all that bad to have a memory that lasts upwards of 30 seconds max? What wouldn’t we give to forget some things. Be blissful; I guess a goldfish’s life is a constant orange day.

What I wouldn’t give for that eternal moment of “orange days” when I wish for better days, but everything is actually fine. And I am side-by-side with the one who makes my insides curl and calm at the same time. Yes, cocooned like a ball of orange fur on a windowsill with sweet citrus blossoming in the air.

Orange is the color of love –

alive,

congruent,

complimentary,

vibrant,

real,

giving,

warm,

truthful,

unabashed,

unashamed,

undaunted,

wary,

divine,

daring,

outermost,

innermost,

close,

large,

small,

biting,

bitter,

burning,

dreadful,

eternal,

graceful,

grateful.

🧡

Procrastination : OFF

Definition

transitive verbto put off intentionally and habitually

intransitive verbto put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done

History and Etymology for procrastinate

Latin procrastinatus, past participle of procrastinare, from pro- forward + crastinus of tomorrow, from cras tomorrow

“Fun” Fact

Like its synonyms “delay,” “lag,” “loiter,” “dawdle,” and “dally,” “procrastinate” means to move or act slowly so as to fall behind. It typically implies blameworthy delay especially through laziness or apathy.


Turning away from the “waiting game”

I am a procrastinator. I have to to fight against this habit of character every single day. In all honesty, I really despise it. I am the type of person who is so laid back and easy going. While this is a good characteristic for something like weekend plans with friends, it is not a good characteristic for serious life situations like paying your rent on time.

And I am in a constant battle with myself to fight the urge of apathy, lethargy and the mentality of “it can wait until tomorrow”.

I used to be 100% in the camp of “I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate”. Indeed, when I went away to college, I found a Facebook group (when Facebook was not monetized and groups were just for meeting people) that was called “Procrastinators of Tomorrow” or something along those lines. As a doe-eyed 18-year-old, I was excited to join this group and post randomly on the group feed about putting off homework, then spending “all-nighters” in the library to write a 5-page essay.

This was only the beginning though.

It was worse. As a young collegiate, my parents told me not to wait to do important “adult” things in order to avoid the consequences of paying fees or working double.

I literally put off opening a bank account because I didn’t want to go and talk to a person in the bank. About two weeks into my freshman year at college, my mother was calling me to check in. During the chat, she casually inquired about my bank account and had I deposited the money she gave me, etc.

I sheepishly admitted that I had not gone yet, but I would do it tomorrow. In true mother hen fashion (and I mean this in a positive tone – a caring parent is nothing to jab at), she emphatically demanded that I march over to the bank at that moment, open an account, and deposit the money.

Of course, as a young adult I took this as nagging and uninteresting. But, I did it…eventually. It really wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be or uncomfortable.

And there is the heart of my problem at times.

I find myself thinking that if something seems too difficult or time consuming, I should put it off until tomorrow. Expending energy is too much work. I can’t believe I have these thoughts, but I actually have them. This makes me wonder if the core of procrastination begins with a lack of motivation or even belief in self. Is this where laziness comes from?

Is it really a matter of ‘I’m too tired; I’ll do it later’? OR is it deeper? I don’t think I can do this or that it is worthwhile to put that much effort into it, so I’ll forego it until tomorrow (i.e. I probably will never get to this).

Let me be clear – I am no doctor or any qualified professional on procrastination. However, studies seem to back up this theory on reasons why people procrastinate. I only have my own personal experiences to make such claims and a limited amount of research. I don’t know if that is the universal answer for people who are chronic procrastinators, but I think that my procrastination and laziness stems from insecurity in my own abilities.

While this fact haunts me and makes me ashamed, I know that it is good to name something for what it is. “Admitting you have a problem is the first step.”

So, what am I gonna do about it? For me, switching procrastination to “off” is about being intentional and forming a system.

Deactivating procrastination is more than “flipping a switch”

It’s easy to say that you’re going to wake up and run a mile at 6:30 am to prepare for an upcoming 5K. It’s much harder to put that in practice, especially if you are a chronic procrastinator.

I truly admire people who are organized, use planners, make lists, set goals and take initiative. That is not me. I have to work very hard to be and practice all of those habits.

And that is where deactivation begins – with mindfulness.

I HAVE to make myself do all of the things I say I am going to do AND stick to them. Let me tell you, procrastination has won more times than I can count, but I keep forming better habits everyday.

Here are seven ways to be intentional in forming a system to prevent procrastination:

  • Make a list – Make your goal tangible; make it something you HAVE TO cross off a list. If it’s something simple like cleaning your bathroom mirror once a week, write it down in a place you cannot avoid seeing it staring at you. This will help keep you accountable.
  • Set mini-goals/milestones – Some goals are so big, like singing at an open mic or running a marathon. Set pit stops and checkpoints for yourself along the way.
  • Get an accountability partner – Procrastination often comes with a disproportionate sense of independence and “do it yourself” attitude, which lends itself to a posture of getting things done later since you have no one to answer to. Accountability can remedy this. Share your struggles with others and ask for help. Ask a trusted friend, a parent, sibling, partner, teacher, mentor, coach to keep you in check, remind you of your “duty”, or work with you on your goal. An accountability partner can be a great cheerleader and example.
  • Adopt the mantra “do it now” – If something is going to take 5 minutes to do, then do it then and there. Do not hesitate. If it came to mind, then it is obviously something valuable, important or necessary. Don’t give your brain or body time to talk you out of an opportunity to get something done.
  • Develop systems Studies have shown that it takes between 18-254 days to develop a habit. That’s a large margin! Real talk, procrastinators would probably fall on the further end of that range around the 250 day marker. Developing systematic changes in behavior takes time, effort, skill and dedication. Be very clear with yourself and what it is you want to accomplish. If you want to clean the tub once a week, then set a specific day, maybe even a time. Time how long it will take you to do it. Put it on your “list”, make it real. Now, it’s something that you must get done. Continue following your system and document progress if applicable. Do what works for you.
  • Planner – If you are the type of person who does well with planners and likes that type of structure, then get a planner, calendar, or other type of organizational media that helps you log progress, etc.
  • Affirm yourself – Yes, be your own cheerleader. Affirmations help you take a step towards self-reliance and “switching off procrastination”. Whether you have low self-esteem or you don’t feel equipped to reach your goal, tell yourself that you can, that you are valuable, that you have meaning, that you are capable. Hype yourself up; don’t be shy. For the sake of clarity, affirmations should not negate humility. A healthy amount of self-confidence really goes a long way for those who suffer from procrastination.

This list is really only a starter and I am sure there are far more tips out there that can help curb procrastination. I know these are the things that have worked for me on my journey.

Another note: I cannot stress enough that you ought to be gentle on yourself, but also disciplined. This is more than building habits; it’s building character and restructuring how you actually think. As your habits change, so does your mindset. You will learn to appreciate time better, to stay focused, to value what you do and who you are, to be active and take initiatives. Whether you are procrastinating on something simple like washing the dirty dishes in the sink or something larger like jumpstarting your freelance cleaning business, you will achieve these goals with measured mindfulness.

So, bear that in mind as you embark on flipping procrastination to “off”.